SNL

2 11 2007

Tina Fey: It’s an honor to have Sen. John McCain on the show tonight, but, according to network policy, you must give equal time to a member of another political party. So, with us now, to share some of his political views, is senatorial candidate Tim Calhoun.

Tim Calhoun: [ meekly ] I’m Tim Calhoun. And I’m running for the office of Senator. A lot of people don’t know who Tim Calhoun is. So I’m going to tell you who Tim Calhoun is, and why I think Tim Calhoun should be the next senator.

I, Tim Calhoun, am.. nice.. [ flips index card ] ..trustworthy.. genuine.. likes music.. dances.. [ very quietly ] ..aggressive. [ flips index card ] I have used a lot of some drugs, and some not at all. Mainly pot and beer. But a little bit of cocaine. I’m real sorry about that cocaine. But there are times when I feel like partying and staying up realy late.. and cocaine can relaly help you do that. [ flips index card ] I am not married. So muy sexual history is not relevant. But, if you must know, I had some babies. Mainly by black ladies. But some by white. And a China baby. [ flips index card ] I love whales. But they have to go. So I’m going to organize a whaling party that will not stop until all whales are dead. [ flips index card ] America needs another big lake.

In conclusion, and in summary, you can’t spell “America” without “Tim Calhoun”. And the letters R, E, and A. The End.

Tina Fey: Tim Calhoun for Senator, everybody!

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