Because I was without power

22 10 2007

my battery charger broke, so I was without my laptop for the weekend.
here’s what I wrote on the 21st. at 3 AM.

This is one of my darkest hours. I don’t know why we’re even living. I hear yells and screams. mean. angry. stupid. drunks. This is awful. People are bad. First time I’ll have said that. People are selfish. I can’t trust people. It’s an ugly world. I regret not taking advantage of High School enough. I wish I had a place to cry, to return to solitude. We don’t need alcohol. we don’t need sex and parties. don’t need to bust a nut. what the fuck is the point? Selfish, greedy, inconsiderate people. I don’t want to live in a world like that.
I got bored so I tried making my cut bigger on my thigh. Knife not sharp enough. I’ll have to get a cutco knife next weekend. In high school there was a division – school, lunch, after school, friend time, family time, dinner, sleep, alone time. I could be alone, I could be with friends. to be without other people here is to be antisocial.
And morals. don’t even get me started. quick fixes. instant satisfaction.
like Voltaire’s Candide, everyone is trying to top how crappy their life is/was. so if you’re life slowly got bad, don’t you think the opposite can happen? Don’t you think that there can be happiness in work? Happiness in the long-term?
Ok. am I talking about other people? or me?
Am I fooling myself. I don’t think so.
I want to be wanted. I want to know that I would be missed like George Bailey. I miss trying to help people’s little problems. And being able to talk to people. not about sports, games, and “that’s what she said” moments. I wish I could spark my intellectual curiousity with people.
Tonight is morning. and it’s still dark.
I didn’t miss recess when I went to middle school. didn’t miss 45 minute classes when I went to high school. But I miss 30 people classes. and discussion. and structure. having people together at ONE place. Four Square.
It’s times like these I feel like I should smoke cigarettes again.
This really helped. I think I’ll write more often. I wish I had a best friend. I’ll look around. I want to be more stable, confident outgoing and helpful.

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